children and grief
There are differences in the ways in which children and adults mourn. Unlike adults bereaved children do not experience continual and intense emotional and behavioural grief reactions. Children may seem to show grief only occasionally and briefly, but in reality a child's grief usually lasts longer than that of an adult. This may be explained by the fact that a child's ability to experience intense emotions is limited. Mourning in children may need to be addressed again and again as the child gets older. Since bereavement is a process that continues over time, children will think about loss repeatedly, especially during important times, such as birthday's , getting married or giving birth to their own children.
children's grief stages
Children at different stages of development have different understandings of death and the events near death.
Infants
Infants do not recognise death, but feelings of loss and separation are part of developing an awareness of death. Children who have been separated from their main care giver may be sluggish, quiet and unresponsive to smiling or cooing; they may undergo physical changes (i.e. weight loss), be less active and sleep less.
Ages 2 to 3 years
Children at this age often confuse death with sleep and may experience anxiety as early as age 3. They may stop talking and appear to feel overall distress.
Ages 3 to 6 years
At this age children could struggle to understand the permanance of death. Children may think that the person is living even after the burial and may ask questions about the deceased, for example, how does the deceased eat, go to the toilet, breathe or play? Young children know that death occurs physically, but think it is temporary or reversible. The Child's concept of death may involve magical thinking, for example, the child may think that his or her thoughts can cause another person to become sick or die. Grieving children under 5 may have trouble eating, sleeping and controlling bladder and bowel functions.
Ages 6 to 9 years
Children at this age are commonly curious about death and may ask questions about what happens to one's body when it dies. Death is thought of as a person or spirit separate from the person who was alive, such as a skeleton, ghost or something frightening from their own imagination. They may see death as final and frightening but as something that happens mostly to old people (and not to themselves). Greiving children can become afraid of school, have difficult concentrating, develop anti-social or aggressive behaviours, become overly concerned about their own health (for example, developing symptoms of imaginary illness or that of other family members), or withdraw from others. Children at this age can become overly attached and may cling to their caretakers. Some children can become more aggressive and destruptive, for example, acting out in school, instead of openly showing their sadness. When a parent dies, children may feel abandoned by both their deceased parent and their surviving parent, because the surviving parent is grieving and may be unable to emotionally suppport the child.
9 years and older
By the time a child is 9 years old death is known to be unavoidable and is not seen as a punishment. By the time a child is 12 years old death is seen as final and something that happens to everyone.
Helping Children
A child's grieving process will be made easier by being open and honest about death. Not talking about death indicates that the subject is taboo and does not help the child cope woth loss. Use clear and direct language . Explanations should be simple and straight forward. Euphemisms such as 'she passed away' or 'we lost him' are best avoided as they can confuse and alarm children.
Each child should be told the truth using as much detail as he or she is able to understand. Listen to any questions the child may have and try to answer them as full as possible. Children often need to be reassured about their own security as they often worry that they or the surviving parent will also die. Children should be involved in funeral arrangements where possible and always be asked if they wish to attend the funeral or visit the funeral home. Children also need to be made aware that the persons death is not their fault.